Okay, I am an up kind of person…and I usually see the positive in almost every situation. Today, however, I am taking a different approach…one, which I feel I have earned: It is the right to the bitch about the small stuff.
A few months ago, I had one of my final surgeries. While I was under anesthesia, I some how bit down hard on the intubation tube and cracked my front tooth. “It happens so infrequently”, the anesthesiologist told me, “but it does happen.” So straight from surgery my friend “SUPER NURSE AMY” drove me straight from surgery to the dentist. Dr. Lipari was so nice. He reviewed the mess my mouth was…(this was yet another bit of destruction the radiation from my early bout of cancer had caused…It really has been just the gift that keeps on giving isn’t it?). Anyway, he was as sweet as he could be…and let me know that I he could fix the tooth, but in all actuality I would probably need an implant. Yikes I thought, but had really put all that he said on hold…and went on with my day-to-day existence. That is until yesterday.
I have been on weight watchers for the last 6 weeks, and on Friday I was craving something crunchy. Trying to be good, I got an apple from the fridge, and took a bit. The moment I bit in, I knew I had done something wrong. I knew with this tooth, apples could only be eaten if I cut them into slices. No direct biting. Well it was to late. I felt that I had loosened the tooth. So I would call him on Monday so that I can go get it re-glued. I went on with my day, aware that it was loose, but it still was intact.
Anyway Last night we had dinner at Super Nurse Amy’s house. Amy and I got to enjoy the new H MART grocery store during the day, and then we all met up again for dinner. Our other friends Elaine and Joe were also with us. It was a great meal of Crunchy Noodles & Veggies, Panko Crusted Salmon, String Beans and Salad. YUM (just a little bragging about the food, even though I didn’t cook). After dinner we all sat around, and I was talking about my tooth being loose and how annoying it was. Then BAM! Mid sentence the entire tooth (post and all) fell out of my mouth. I couldn’t believe it. It was my front tooth…. so when I smiled you saw, nothing but air…I couldn’t have looked my back woods if I tried.
This morning Amy took me up to Dr. Lipari. He was so nice. He actually met me at his office on a Sunday Morning…. How many Dr.’s would do that. He has put the tooth back in, and re-affirment that an implant is needed….which I will deal with soon.
But after I came home, my friend Meredith asked how I was? And here is what I have to say to that question. (which I can’t really say but it is how I feel). Physically I am fine.
Emotionally though, I wish this kind of stuff would stop happening to me. I know that “this should be the worst that has happened to me” and it definitely isn’t the worst. But if you put it all together I have had enough of these “I could have been worse” situations. I don’t wish ill on anyone, but I could use a break from all of this. A span of “how lucky you are that this has happened to you vs. I am sorry this has happened to you.
I look at the luck my family has had with me getting all these things…I drastically lowers their odds of getting anything. In a family 1 out of 5 usually gets cancer (between me and my brothers I have covered their odds 2x).
I swear that this filling of being beaten down a little doesn’t last to long. But I thought you should know that even though I am up/positive 95% of the time. Even I have my down slides. And it is perfectly normal. For you Susie, going through the chemo and having the bad reactions, can make you mad…it is okay and all of those around you have to understand that you are allowed to have moments of anger or depression. You bounce back….
By the end of me writing this, I already feel better…. but I am okay that I was annoyed for the last 24 hrs.
And I guess that is what is important….It is okay to feel bad, or feel like it isn’t fair, or like you have had enough. But it is only okay to feel that way for a while…Then realize how lucky you are to be given the gift that you were given….Friends, Family, LIfe, and the time to enjoy them all….
6 responses to “The Why Me Factor”
Dear, sweet Carol…when people say “don’t sweat the small stuff,” I think, “what if all I have to sweat IS the small stuff?” We all have the right to bitch and moan. Good luck with the implant! Big hugs and “toothy” smiles to ya! xoxo
What small stuff? I’d say you’ve earned the right to bitch. And then some!
What a descriptive and loving story. What got me through all the stress were my friends and family. I appreciated all the love I received.
I enjoyed your blog. So sorry about the tooth. I agree, you have had your share of things to deal with. Let’s hope this will be the last.
Came over here from linkedin.
I’m so sorry about the tooth. My diagnosis was nearly 7 years ago and most of this stuff is way past. But I remember a few times thinking I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it only ended up being the light from an oncoming train! I, too, was mostly positive about my experience. But sometimes it just felt like too much. And usually it was with the “little” things – like a cracked tooth or something seemingly insignificant in the face of cancer.
You have every right to be angry, upset, sad – whatever – and bitch about your sitution. Even if you’re positive 95% of the time, you are definitely entitled to that 5%! I think it’s a good release. 🙂
Hang in there! (Like you have a choice, right?)
I came over here from LinkedIn.
I’m so sorry about the tooth and everything you’re going through. My diagnosis was nearly 7 years ago, but I sure remember thinking I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize it was the light from an oncoming train!
I, too, was very positive through my whole ordeal. But sometimes enough is enough and you just need to bitch, whine, cry – whatever.
Glad writing this all out made you feel better. Writing is the best therapy!
Wishing you a speedy and uneventful remainder of your recovery!