Do-Over

DO-OVER!  I think I said this 1,000 times as a kid.  I have wanted to say it 1,000 more as an adult.  Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda is another often wished sentiment.  In Golf, they call it a Mulligan. Who hasn’t wondered,  “What If I had done this differently?  Where would I be now, if only I did ‘this thing’ differently?  If I said No instead of Yes?  Or if had said Yes instead of No? If I hadn’t said something to someone? Or if I only would have said something would to someone?” I know that starting this thought process can be a slippery slope.  But I often wonder what IS meant to be, and what is not?  What one event was the impetus?  Or was it just one?  Or Was it just meant to be? In Israel, I learned the word Beshart – which roughly translated means it’s meant to be! Or it’s Fate.

I have trouble with that word sometimes.  I have had cancer twice.  Was that meant to be?  Was that fate?  No, I don’t believe so, but I do think it changed my path – whatever the direction it was originally veering towards.  I have moments of Why Me?  And Why me Twice? I have moments where I just think it wasn’t fair (not a lot of moments but I do have them).  It isn’t anybody’s fault; not mine, not my parents, or grandparents, not anybody’s…I just drew the straw – Twice!  I have moments where I wear my illness like a Purple Heart, and I have moments when I just feel pride in what I have overcome and Joy in knowing how capable I  am, even more than I ever thought possible; and proud of me for surviving cancer – twice and not letting that be the only layer I show.  Weird right?

I am not sure I can say how my life would be different (other than knowing my Dr. bills wouldn’t be what they are, and not having to see 9 different Dr.’s on a regular basis.). I just know that it would be different, and I would be different.  This is not a boohoo woe is me kind of statement.  Or “a look how great I am because I survived” statement.  Just a truth, that sometimes pops in my head for no reason or just because it is a cloudy day and, like some many of us, I could just be having a bad day!

I am a happy, upbeat, and positive person 90% of the time, though I am in the 10% of the time presently.  It just happens.  So when it does, I begin to think about the what if’s.  In my immediate circle, I get to see what the what if’s could be like.  It is a very nice way to be in life, but guess what!  The what if’s also have their own 10% moments.  I have come to learn that all sides side in my life have a happy and upbeat side and a dollop of not always so upbeat or so happy.  The Lesson, Nothing in life is 100%, except the 100% certainty that nothing is 100%.

Anyway back to my mood lately.   I have mentioned that I am trying to go back to work.  Trying being the keyword at the moment.  It is very different from when I was in the workforce. Anyway, after applying for over 500 jobs (mostly through Indeed.com), 95% of which are jobs I am totally qualified for.   I am an intelligent, well-educated person, skilled, creative, solution-focused and frankly, a great hire.   I have an exceptional ability to interact with people in a great many situations and yet all of my skills don’t seem worthy to present day employers — or, actually, the algorithms used to determine hire-ability have deemed me unworthy.  A cyber-recruiter has deemed me “not useful”.  A long line of computer coding has calculated the value of my skills at zero.  So I began to question some of the choices I have made along the way to here. Questions like: Keep working or stay at home with my kids?  Live in small cramped quarters or move out of NYC and commute? Go back to school and get an MBA or Try something new like a Master’s in School Counseling?  Focus on present day or worry that in the year 2018 your skills will not be transferrable?

I love my husband, and my kids and my life and they are never part of my Do-Over or my Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda.  My friends are not changeable either!  They are my rocks – always and forever there for support, laughter, strength, and Wine – oh yes plenty of wine!  I guess today I would just like the opportunity to go back and look at each pivotal decision I have made — and see if I would change my decision and see if ti would change who and how I am today.

And I have to be honest, even if I did get the chance to do it over, it doesn’t mean the outcome would be “better” or “worse”, it would just be different!  Writing this blog is really my Do-Over.  To all of you that follow, thank you for letting me fantasize about the would be’s, about the should be’s, and about the what could be’s.  Because maybe even if I did change something and was in another place, I may still be writing a blog and asking about the chance for a Do-Over!

Have a Happy Day.

You get a Do-Over Tomorrow.

Carol

@funnycancermom